Lifes Change-Ups

Guys, here’s the deal. Life happens and it happens FAST and sometimes the punches never feel like they’re going to end..

This is year has been WILD. I went through a struggling marriage to a single momma of two in what seems like seconds. I really don’t even know where to begin, so i’m going to just ramble in hopes that this reaches you and let’s you know that you are NOT alone and are stronger than you can even imagine.

I am a recovering people pleaser and coupled with divorce… I honestly thought that I had failed everything and everybody. Growing up, I watched my parents whom were married 32 years thrive. Yes, they had their hardships but they always pulled through. Together. Knowing this, I knew I wanted the same thing but sometimes our reality isn’t what we had always thought it would be. For instance, I was married to my ex husband for 10 years and we have two beautiful children together. We had the “perfect” life but behind closed doors, it was far from perfect. I was breaking. My heart, soul and body was in a constant state of fight or flight mode and at the time I thought I was crazy. I mean why should I feel like that when so many other people were going through things that were far worse than what I thought I was going through. But the truth was.. I was slowly losing air and I couldn’t ever find the the air pocket.. But why? The reason was right there in front of me the entire time. I was miserable. Simple as that. I was giving my absolute all to a relationship that was giving nothing in return but crumbles of hope here and there. My daily life was full of walking on eggshells and waiting for the next “fix” that would only come around sometimes. It was my drug and I could never get enough. I lived for the next high or so called ‘happy’ endorphins that would last me for a few days and then go right back into a vicious cycle of emptiness, confusion, broken heartedness and then a couple more ‘good days’ and then start all over. I was an addict that was craving approval and worth. But I couldn’t see it and if I could, I buried it so far down that I wasn’t ever going to let myself see it for what it was.. Mental Abuse. (Honestly saying those words still feel wrong.)

Fastward to the last year(ish)

Morning came and I woke up immediately to the thought that I was broken. My memory was gone. Gone to the point where I had early onset dementia.. (I have family that has passed and or are currently suffering and it’s always in the back of my mind) I didn’t want to get out of bed, I gained weight that I couldn’t get rid of, I was constantly sick and my will to keep going and putting on that fake smile was gone. I remember thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me. I called the doctor to set up an appointment.. I was told for YEARS that something was wrong with me by said partner and that I was broken and not normal. The worst part? I believed it.

My kids had a mom that was struggling in so many different ways, but being a mom means putting on a happy face and going on like nothing is wrong all while hoping and praying that the fake smiles and laughs would be enough to hide the pain inside.. because moms are superheros, right?

After countless doctors appointments that led nowhere, counseling sessions that I was convinced I needed and living on prayers, I broke. It all just finally made sense. One day I had a moment of clarity. It was a voice that I can’t even begin to explain.. the voice told me that I needed to end the idea of sticking through the bad and finally end this relationship that was literally draining the life out of me. I needed out. Pronto. And it was in that moment that I realized that I deserved the non conditional love and consistency that my body and soul were so desperately craving. I was settling for a broken vision that wasn’t ever going to come.

I wasn’t broken. In fact I was none of the things that I was told for so many years. Instead, I was miserable and unhappy. I was living the way someone else was wanting me to live. I was being manipulated into thinking that because I wasn’t this persons ideal wife.. that I was broken. BUT once I had that moment of clarity and chose that my so called “relationship'“ that I had worked so hard into fixing was the actual problem and that I needed out.. My body immediately felt relief for the first time in YEARS. I was actually content. I knew that my decision was the right one and I could feel it inside and out.

You see, God gives us this beautiful gift of intuition but because we are human, we choose not to use it sometimes. Especially when we’re blinded by what we think is love. BUT because we see love for what it could be we lose that intuition based on what we think “could be” or what they “could be one day.”

God wants us to love everybody. He wants us to see the good but he also gives us the choice on what we choose to do with this gift.

To say I wasn’t ever bitter at God for making me go through all of this would be a bold faced LIE. I still struggle with bitterness, hurt and unhappiness and the what could have beens. Hurt runs DEEP and it’s going to take time.. time I’m still waiting and struggling through. And for someone who is as impatient as myself, the struggle is REAL.

I read a the book of Job the other day. In the book of Job, God had given Job an amazing life, and then one day it was all taken away. His family, crops, livestock.. All of it was just GONE. Through this entire book Job went through all of the stages of grief but not once did he lose his faith in God. He stayed faithful through it all.. and eventually God gave him grace and Jobs life was restored. His fortunes came back tenfold and he was able to move out of his hardships into a new life.

Like Job, we as humans question and mourn our losses. We get angry, cry out, beg and plead for things to change and for understanding. But God has a reason and a plan for every single trial that we go through.. Even if it’s something that we aren’t able to see right now.

You are not alone. You are worthy. You are allowed to feel all of these feelings but one thing is for sure. God is ALWAYS in your corner and he hears every single one of our cries.

If this is something that resonates with you, I promise you’re not alone. I’m struggling right along next to you along with so many others. We are going to get through this and we are going to come out so much stronger and so much more happy. It’s going to take time, but just like Job we can’t lose sight on Gods love. It’s so easy to do BUT it will always be there.

WE’VE GOT THIS!

XOXO,

Little Miss Cowpoke

Let’s Talk Real Talk..

If you're a momma of littles, you will totally relate. If you haven't had children, you're about to learn(as mine are bouncing off the walls because, well... They're basically feral.) I'm kidding about feral.. but somehow it's in the gene pool and they both just happened to be the lucky ones that got all the wild.. not even a little wild, but like WILD WILD.. I'm paying for raising and then some.. It's fine. I'm fine(insert photo of me curled up in a closet with my stash of chocolate..) I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way though!

As a momma of two, I'm busy! From the outside looking in, it may look like I have it easy. Here's a couple of things that people have told me over the years:

"you have it so easy. I'd LOVE to be a stay at home mom all day and watch movies all of the time!"

"That's not really considered a job"

"You’re such a small girl. How do you handle cattle?"

"Women can’t handle cattle. They just get in the way.”

My favorite comment has been, “You should just call the vet to tell you what to do. He’ll know more.”

(I hold my tongue A LOT. I’ll let them think whatever they want BUT I know my worth and can out work most men and do it better. That’s what happens when you love proving people wrong!)

That's not even close to all of the things that's been said to me. I wont lie, sometimes those comments really get to me. Big time. People suck and that's all there is to it, You know the saying, "You can't judge a book by it's cover?" Well I've never really thought much of it until I had kids.. I'm a momma of two and now that quote hits HARD. People judge me literally all of the time. For starters I'm only 5'. My profession? Cattlewomen. I grew up on a farm, played softball, I was a cheerleader and an active member of our FFA all of the way up until I graduated High School. Once I graduated, I attended NOC is Stillwater. I wanted to become a large animal vet so bad. I was a college freshmen and honesty was just overwhelmed and I really didn't think that was path I was meant to follow. I finished the year and didn't look back. My calling wasn't there, but the friends that I made in that year each have a special place in my heart. (I'm getting to my point just hang on for a bit longer) after college I decided Id give hair a shot. I ended up attending a cosmetology/barbering school in OKC for 11 months. Once I graduated from there, I worked at a few salons but I still had that feeling that deep down I was still searching for my WHY. Although I LOVED my clients and the girls I worked with, I eventually called it quits. I truly believe that there's a reason for everything. I made lifelong friends, met amazing ladies and was told so many stories that I will literally cherish forever. But that path ended and a new one was about to start.

I was a mom of two littles, and had a husband who worked out of state A LOT and I had no idea what to do, so that then turned into a rain cloud that eventually followed me around daily. It was awful. I wanted my kids to be proud of their mom. I wanted them to be able to say that their momma was happy. But I think we can all agree that my happiness and fulfillment were just not there. Depression is real. If anybody tells you otherwise walk away. Depression and anxiety come in many forms. Mine for example showed itself by taking that spark and dulling my fire within. I felt heavy. Like I just wasn't doing what I was meant to do. But all of that was about to get a wake up call.

It wasn't until a little vacation and a long quiet road trip did my bell go off.. I'm talking like hours of silence. (If you know me then you know that's not normal) It was like a light switch that turned on every single light in my head and the word cattle was flashing like it belonged on Time Square. Immediately I was over flowing with excitement, joy, and contentment. God showed up. He put that little bug in my ear. It was like He was telling me to stop searching and look at what I already had right in front of me.. I had my entire path right in front of me my whole life but chose to keep ignore it. That feeling of certainty stopped me in my tracks.. I kind of pushed it to the back of my head for a little bit.. And then of course that little voice in my head that did nothing but cause anxiety and self doubt started talking. After a few more miles went by, that light bulb went off again, and again and again. It's like it was getting louder and louder until I acknowledged it. I immediately knew what my path was without a doubt. The path that God had for me all along. I still know that there's more to my meaning but the rest is still forming. For now though, I'm a momma to my two littles, where I have the opportunity to take them with me everywhere. I get to be the mom who breaks stereotypical rolls. A mom that is hard headed, is a fighter, and is 100% relentless.

Finally, what felt like a lifetime of me trying to run from what I thought was never going to happen, happened. My life was coming full circle. Within the hour I was enrolled in Grahams School for Cattlemen and had already called my dad to tell him to scoot over, I had a plan and I was coming in full force. I was about to step into a "mans world." A world that wasn't use to a little 5ft girl loading up 400-900 pound cattle, hauling bales, Carrying 50lb bags of feed, sticking an arm up the backend of a cow to preg check, Doctoring the sick calves and so much more. Since that single roadtrip, nothing has ever been the same and I could NOT be more excited. I'm able to take my kids with me everywhere and on everything. My kids have a mom that is breaking rolls and making moves. Most importantly, they have a momma that has found her WHY and isn't holding anything back.

Oh and about that mom guilt? Yeah. It's always close by.. but it keeps its distance for the most part. How? Well.. Let's just say that I throat kicked that sucker and then tossed it to the curb. Aint nobody got time for that!

Now it's your turn to change the game. I will chant my best cheerleading chant and will even through in a good high kick for ya! Just becaise it's unknown or not a role that many take on, it might be that very single thing that makes you, YOU.

YOU’VE GOT THIS

XOXO,

Little Miss Cowpoke